Christian Taylor Buchanan

Christian Taylor Buchanan

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Today I Failed As a Parent

Yes, you read that title correctly. Today I failed as a parent. Being a mom, being a good mom, has always just come naturally to me. I have a wonderful mom who really influenced that nurturing instinct in me. There's a saying that a child can only give what they receive, and I must say I received a lot of affection and nurturing and love in my childhood, and so it's always come easy to me to give affection and to nurture and love. And I feel that so far, in my 2 years and 10 months of mothering, I've done a pretty good job.

But today, I really feel like a failure as a parent. Three weeks and 1 day after Christian's first palate reconstruction, I failed him. Three weeks and one day after Christian underwent major reconstructive surgery on his palate, I messed up big time. Day one into being released from wearing his arm restraints, I allowed Christian to go play in his brother's room unsupervised. This wasn't an issue or problem before surgery because our house is small and I can hear him at all times, there's nothing in there for him to get into except a toy box, and I peek in often. However, after surgery, we were on high alert. There was to be nothing, absolutely nothing in Christian's mouth for fear of puncturing or opening up his palate. The arm restraints were to prevent him from putting anything in his mouth himself by stopping his elbows from bending, but he didn't have to wear them anymore after yesterday.

Today Christian sat in his brother's room, not being watched, without his arm restraints, and it happened. He punctured a hole in his palate. I'm not sure how or on what, I just know it's there, and I am sick. My immediate reaction of "Oh God, no!" scared Christian a little bit. I guess he thought he was in trouble. As I frantically begged him to open his mouth and let me see, he became more scared. And there it was. His beautifully reconstructed palate punctured. My heart sank, I burst into tears, and my logical self began thinking what course of action needed to be taken.

There was no blood, and no safety concern for Christian, so I decided just to call his doctors office and leave a message. Realizing that it was too late in the day to get a call back from them (they are an hour ahead of me) I called Christian's Mimi who has been to all his appointments with me in Indianapolis and asked her what I should do next. She instructed me to call one of the surgeons who had operated on Christian, Dr. Costa, and email Dr. Flores, the main surgeon on his case. Dr. Costa called me back and, at least, put my mind at ease in assuring me that we probably don't need to rush to Indianapolis for emergency surgery.

I could absolutely kick myself for letting it happen. Why didn't I just make him play in the living room? Why didn't I just leave the arm restraints on him? Ugh!!!!!!!! I am so mad at myself. Today I have failed Christian. I know he won't remember this incident, but I know it will stay with me.

14 comments:

  1. Nothing I saw will take away the mother's guilt you feel. We may not condemn you but you condemn yourself. Even when they've fixed it..I know you will forever kick yourself. I think most mothers have been there- the "I should have been.." syndrome. Sadly, we're only human and can't be everywhere and be everything to our little ones. I'm so sorry you feel so bad. So so sorry :-( I wish I could erase the guilt for you. How is he doing though? Does he feel pain from the hole he made?

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  2. You are not a failure!! Accidents happen. Please don't blame yourself.

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  3. Be kind to yourself. We do our best, but life happens. If we live and learn, we're on the right path.

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  4. My goodness you have not failed him dont be silly you do all you can for your lovely children. We all sometime do something being parents we wished we hadn't its just one of those things. He okay you spoke to the surgeon etc. Please forgive yourself its just alittle boy having a accident being alittle boy. Xxxx

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  5. Lacey, you haven't failed Christian in the least. If your only fault was giving him space and freedom to be the thriving 2 year old that he is, then I think we have all failed as parents. He is so blessed to have a mom like you - one who consistently cares for him, protects him, and puts his needs and his life before her own....although I do think you should give yourself more credit. He will recover just fine and this will only be a long distant memory as he has plenty more bumps and bruises that any little boy gets along the way. You have stated yourself how resilient Christian is, and this is proof that he is one strong little guy. God bless you and your family. Hope you have a very Merry Christmas. :)

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  7. Hey Lacey, you didn't fail as a mother. I know this has been said, but accidents do happen. You've been an amazing mother and an incredible woman. Christian is really blessed. Do take care, and God bless.

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  8. We all make mistakes. It's all the joys of parenting. It doesn't come with a manual despite all the parenting books. I have seen your video and the pure love you have for your son. As mothers we all have been there, we all feel like failures or we are totally screwing up but we're not. You're an awesome mom. He loves you. Chin up. Your journey is just bringing, you got years left and lots of UPS and downs to go through. I have three boys...15, 12 and 10...it's been a roller coaster but I loved and still love being their mom. :) God bless you and your little man.

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  9. Mrs Lacey, I just watched the video you posted on you tube about Christian. You are really an amazing mother. Lots of love to Christian and have a great year ahead. And by the way,you will never fail as a parent.

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  10. Hi Lacey, my name is Cameron and I was reading up on your journey with Christian. I had a quick question and was hoping that you could email me back when you have a moment. I really appreciate it, thanks so much.

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  11. Accidents happen as a mom! Your can't be perfect. There is no such thing!

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  12. Lacey have you tried the Texas Children's Hospital, not sure if that's the whole name of it or not but I've heard some good things about it from the mom of a little boy I was following who had Cancer.

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  13. God bless you! When I see Christian's smile, I see Jesus in him! Don't ever, ever give up, sister in Christ! You have not failed. God is with you! Zephaniah 3:17. And these verses are for Christian..."The joy of the LORD is my strength," and "Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God."

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