Christian Taylor Buchanan

Christian Taylor Buchanan

Sunday, April 17, 2011

A Letter To My Baby

On July 12, 2010, I was watching Dateline and it showed a story of a man who had a disable son. His son was in his thirites now and was confined to a wheelchair for his whole life. He was also unable to talk. The father and his son ran marathons, the father pushing his son in his wheelchair. The son, who could only type on a keyboard to communicate, typed that when he and his dad ran marathons together, he didn't feel disabled anymore. He felt like he was running too.

I was about 6 weeks pregnant at the time, and I remember putting my hands on my stomach and crying so hard for this family. So I sat down and wrote this letter to my baby. This was before we knew he would be a boy, before we knew anything would be wrong, before I knew how much this letter would mean later. So here it is:


To my baby:

You are a miracle. You are supposed to be here. You are loved more than you can know. You are my child and nothing can change that.

I promise you that no matter what happens, I will fight for you. You are so important. Even if you were disabled, that wouldn't change a thing. But I know you will be heathly. Even if no one else wanted you, I will always want you. But I know you are loved by many.

Right now, you are only the size of a blueberry, but you have changed my life forever, and for the better.

If you ever feel like you are less than what you should be or that you're not good enough, just remember that at one time, a doctor told me you weren't going to make it. But you're heartbeat is strong and the doctor has changed her mind. You fought and you held on.

You are my miracle and I love you!

Love Always, Mommy

Friday, April 15, 2011

Joy in Tribulation

During my pregnancy, although we knew about Christian's condition and were absolutely devastated about it, we still managed to smile. We still found reasons to be happy. I remember laughing at Christian because he would squirm and kick and move around inside me, and when I would yell for Chris to come feel him move, and Chris would come running from another room and grab my belly as fast as he could, Christian would get perfectly still. Chris barely ever felt him move the whole time I was pregnant!

I remember decorating Christian's nursery. It was so much fun; picking out the perfect colors, hanging his name above his bed, folding his tiny clothes and putting them in his dresser, and just imagining my little boy in those clothes.

But the maternity pictures had to be the funnest. They were a celebration of our baby boy and they turned out perfect.

I'm glad that I enjoyed my pregnancy as much as I did, despite the trouble that we faced and the challenges that we knew would lie ahead. I can look back on my pregnancy and smile and remember a very happy time.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

It's a boy!

I started this blog with the day Christian was born. Now I want to backtrack a little to our first ultrasound.  I am sure that other parents with special needs children have been through this same experience and felt the same hopelessness and helplessness of expecting a child that you know will not be "healthy."

We had been to the doctor to have our first ultrasound and to find out what sex our baby was. We were SOOO excited. We watched as the ultrasound tech checked out the baby. We counted fingers and toes, watched him wiggle around, and waited for the big news. Finally, she got it!! The tech showed us the baby parts and said "Ok here it is. Can you guess? Boy or Girl?" I was looking, but I couldn't tell. Then Chris yelled, "I see his dingy!!!" We had our little boy!!! We were so excited! I almost came up off the table because I couldn't keep still. We left that day on cloud 9.

An ultrasound from the day we found out he was a boy.
My belly the day of our first ultrasound.

We were so happy!
 A few days later we got a call from the doctors office. They were concerned about the ultrasound and wanted us to come back in and have a second ultrasound. Our hearts were broken. When we got the second ultrasound, the doctor's suspicions were confirmed. Our little boy was diagnosed with a bilateral cleft palate and lip. We were crushed. How could this happen to us? Why did this happen to us? We're good people, why do we deserve this? Where was God in all this and why did He let our child have something wrong? What were we going to do? How were we going to watch our son go through surgery? How would this affect his life? So many questions. So much heartache. I cried myself to sleep for days. I couldn't think about anything else. We were devastated. Little did we know that the worst news was yet to come. Looking back, I would celebrate if all Christian had was a cleft. I would be relieved.

Friday, April 8, 2011

February 18th, 2011

Happy Birthday!

The day had finally arrived! Chris and I woke up at 3:30am, got everything together, and headed to Vanderbilt University Hospital. My c-section was scheduled for 8am. By the time all of the iv's were put in, all my meds were administered, and everything was set, it was almost 9 o'clock when I was taken back to the operating room. As the doctors were preparing everything and I was getting my spinal, a million thoughts rushed through my head. Finally, I heard a doctor say, "Here he comes!" and then "Happy Birthday!" At 9:32am, Christian Taylor Buchanan made his big debut. After just a few seconds, he began screaming. That was the best scream I had ever heard! I asked the anestesiologist at my head to peak over the curtain and tell me what color his hair was. He said, "blonde," but he was wrong. Ha ha! The doctor asked me if I wanted to see the baby, and I immediately said "Yes!!" They held him over the curtain just for a second to let me see him, then they took him over to the table to clean him up and check his APGARS. While the doctors finished up, I listened to him cry and waited to see him again. Before he was taken to the NICU, they held him down beside my head. He was crying, so I started talking to him, and he stopped and listened to me. The nurse started to take him and he started crying again, so she brought him back down to me. Again, I talked to him saying, "Hi baby! I love you!" and anything I could think of 2 minutes after giving birth. He stopped crying again and listened. Finally they took him to the NICU and I was taken to recovery.  It was 4 o'clock that evening before I was able to get up out of the bed and make the 1/3 mile trek to the NICU. Our baby boy was finally here!!! But things were not as we expected. We knew about the cleft palate and lip, we knew about the club foot. What we didn't know before Christian was born was that he would be born almost completely blind. The best day of our lives had turned into the worst.