Waiting to Find Out If I Have Cancer

This is going to be a pretty personal post because it discusses some health issues I'm having. I want to document this part of our journey along with all the other ups and downs, though. Right around Thanksgiving last year, I noticed something wrong with my breast. I didn't panic, but I did immediately go to the doctor. I'm only 33, so I figured my chances of this being anything serious are not likely, right? However, one of my best friends was recently diagnoses with breast cancer and is undergoing treatments currently. She's only in her 40's and has a little girl Christian's age. So, watching her go through what she has got me thinking that I probably need to start being more aware and paying closer attention to my own body. I went to a walk-in clinic the next day because my doctor wasn't available until February. The walk-in clinic is thankfully located inside a clinic that has diagnostic images services and a host of specialist doctors. So, I was immediately sent downstairs for an ultrasound. I watched as the ultrasound tech found "something." Of course, ultrasound isn't definitive, so I left with more questions than answers, and an appointment for my very first mammogram! Oh joy! The mammogram wasn't pleasant, but I've had worse, so I'm not going to complain too much. But the report from the mammogram showed what looked to be a calcification, which can be pre-cancerous. Of course, even a mammogram can't tell you for sure what's there. So, best guess, it appeared to be calcification. By this time, it was after Christmas. I saw a general surgeon who walked me through everything. The place they found is tiny, which is good. It's pretty deep in there, so there would have been no way to find it with just a normal breast exam. This made me think, I am only 33, and I wouldn't normally get my first mammogram until age 40, so whatever this is could have stewed there for 7 more years without anyone knowing until I went for my first regular mammogram at age 40. So, I'm thankful that I went ahead and got this looked at and didn't ignore my concerns. I almost dismissed what I saw as me being overly cautious because I'm so worried after what my friend has gone through. I'm glad I just went in to be sure. It turns out that the place I originally went to the doctor for was just dense tissue and this little place that was found was incidental and unrelated. It had nothing to do with the original place I noticed! The surgeon assured me that he didn't think this would be anything, but he also let me know he can't make that guarantee without the biopsy. The shape of the spot was concerning to him, but thankfully he reiterated that it was very small. So, I opted to have the biopsy and find out what it is. The place is so small that the biopsy pretty much took the entire thing. The surgeon even placed a tiny metal clip in the spot to be able to mark it in case I do need treatment later, because he said he would never be able to find the spot again because the biopsy removed it all. My biopsy was last Friday. I took the day off work because I just didn't know what to expect as far as how I would be feeling afterward. Surprisingly, I found the procedure easy. It was super quick, I'd say less than 20 minutes from start to finish, and I felt good afterward. I never needed pain medicine to control the pain, which was surprising to me. I was able to carry on relatively normally on Friday, but by Saturday, it hit. I wasn't hurting. I was just so tired and just...not feeling like myself. I really just needed to take a long nap, I think, and rest. I think rest is really what I needed most. By Sunday, I felt almost normal again. I'm still tired but I've been making it a point to get to bed an hour earlier each night this week and that has helped. The boys have also passed right out this week, they have been tired too, so not having to stay up with them has been helpful too. So now, we wait. I should hear something this week about my biopsy results. I really wasn't too worried about the results before the biopsy, but the day before the procedure, it just all sort of hit me. Maybe I was just keeping myself busy so I wouldn't think about it until I just had to. I don't know. But really, I felt totally fine and confident that everything would be fine, until Thursday evening. Then it just all sort of hit me at once. I have tried to simultaneously stay positive that this is probably nothing and that I'm fine, while also preparing myself mentally for if I get the worst news possible. I have already run through several scenarios in my head of what I will tell the boys and how I will tell them, if it comes to that, while praying that it doesn't. I didn't tell them exactly what the biopsy was for. I didn't say "cancer" to them. Mostly because we just don't know and I don't want to scare them prematurely. I know if I was a kid and my parents had told me they might have cancer, I would have been hysterical. So, I chose to tell them everything except that and decided if we got news that it was, then I would tell them, but not a moment before we were sure. So, they knew what was happening with the biopsy, why I was going, and exactly what the procedure would do. I probably wouldn't have gone into so much detail. but yall. Christian asks so many detailed questions. He wants to know everything and nothing gets past him. He asked for a play by play of exactly what the doctor would be doing, what medicines I would be getting, what tools would be used, and the whys behind each step. He knew I was getting a local anesthesia. He knew a needle would be taking something out that shouldn't be there. He knew it all. And I didn't mind telling him. I think it's only fair to be honest with him. After all the medical intervention he's gone through, I knew he could handle this. So, a cute little story. When my biopsy was over, Christian called me to check on me, and the first thing he said was "Hey Momy! How's your boob?" lol! He very sincerely meant it.He was certainly a bit anxious about my procedure and I think that's why he asked so many questions. He wanted to know every detail to know that I would be okay. He asked me a few times if I was going to die. Ugh. And cue the water works. This is where it gets hard. What if it is cancer. I don't know what exactly I'll do. The waiting is excruciating at this point. My biggest fear in all of this is what if I couldn't be here for my boys. What if it was worse case scenario. I don't know. I don't have answers right now. I am reminded of a song called "Take Courage: that says: Take courage my heart Stay steadfast my soul He's in the waiting He's in the waiting Hold onto your hope As your triumph unfolds He's never failing He's never failing While I wait on news that will either give my family extraordinary relief or change our lives forever, I can't say I'm not afraid or worried. I am absolutely terrified of the chance that I have cancer. So, I fix my eyes on Jesus and will myself to trust that God knows and holds my future, no matter what it brings. I pray that He sees me through this in the way I want, but if not, He is still good and I will trust Him. I'm not saying I won't be absolutely devastated if He doesn't. But I am saying that I will continue to trust that the One who commands the winds and the oceans loves me. I see no other option, because the truth is the truth no matter what is going on around me or inside me.