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Why Having A Special Needs Child Changes Your Outlook on Having More Children


I posted this week on Facebook about how I have seen soooooo many pregnancy announcements recently. I joked that my uterus was crying, but that I knew it wasn't happening for me, at least not any time soon. That post got lots of comments. For some reason, you guys get all excited at the thought of my having more kids. lol! I guess it's because you love the ones I already have so much! ­čśŹ

I had a few people ask why I said it was not in the cards for me to have more kids and it really got me thinking. I know in my heart of hearts that another child is just not a good fit for our family right now, and I also know in my heart of hearts that I long for more children. It's a weird feeling.

Having a child with special needs complicates a lot of things. I wouldn't trade all the uncomplicated-ness in the world for my C, and y'all know that, but the fact is, disabilities can and most often do throw a wrench in our best laid plans. We have adapted and made new paths and kept moving forward, but there is an aspect of letting go of the "what-if's" and "could've been's" that I'm just not very good at.

The most obvious consideration in having more children is the glaring probability that another child would have special needs. When I found out I was pregnant with Chandler, I was immediately excited, but almost as quickly came the realization that this child could have Christian's condition, or something entirely different but equally complicated.  "And then what will I do?" are the exact words I asked myself.

I never answered that question. I still haven't. I've been too afraid to answer it. Maybe I'm afraid of  what the answer would be, as well. When I got pregnant with Chandler, I set that question to the back of my mind, tried to forget it, but knew I had to hang on until we knew. I wasn't going to even attempt to answer the question unless I knew I had to. Imagine my relief when we saw Chandler's beautiful lenses of his eyes on ultrasound for the first time. I remember it specifically. We had the same ultrasound tech for both my boys, so she was extra kind to show us extra images on the screen and do much reassuring for us. She was so awesome that I wrote about her in Through the Eyes of Hope. I will never forget that moment. That moment of truth. I held my breath. Holding in my panic and relief until I knew which one to let go and which one would be appropriate to feel.

My fear of having another child with a special need didn't come from being scared of a disability. I'm
not scared of that at all. It came from a second consideration I have to make when thinking about the prospect of more children. "Am I going to be enough?"

I'm a good mom. I'm not a perfect mom. I'm certainly not the best mom there is and I'm sure I have plenty of room for improvement. But, I would call myself a good mom. My kids are well loved, have all their needs met and some of their wants, and I would lay down my life for either of them without a second thought. But, I still, and probably always will, struggle with wondering if I am doing enough, being enough, for them.

My kids are high maintenance. They ask a lot from me. I know that's what kids do, but I have found that among my friends and acquaintances, my kids seem to require more and for longer than most kids do. That's okay. There's nothing wrong with that. It's just a fact. While everyone else at the cookout is socializing while their kids run around and play together in the back yard, I'm off alone with my kids keeping them from running out into the road or off into the woods by themselves. I'm keeping them from opening the pool gate and jumping in. I'm giving tube feeds and guiding Christian to the restroom every 30 minutes. I'm showing Chandler the boundaries of how far he is allowed to wander and explaining why he can't chase the strange dog and grab it's face. I'm telling Christian about everything he hears, because he always wants to know what he is hearing, and I am his eyes. I am helping him touch things in a safe way so that he can learn about them, because his little six year old curiosity causes him to be interested in everything and afraid of nothing.

I joke that my kids are in this phase where they constantly and relentlessly just try to kill themselves. Need I mention the broken nose escapade that went down less than two weeks ago from yours truly, Mr. Christian? Swinging on our baby gate, fell down the steps, double fracture, hugely swollen nose, and so much bruising I thought someone was going to call CPS on me. I joke, but the reality is, it is kind of true, and it's really not a phase, but rather a way of life for them. I have saved them both from certain death more times than I could even guess in their short lives. While I will, of course, continue to keep them from harm, it is an exhausting job. I don't get to rest or relax often. Maybe an hour a week, and my sleep is never sound. I am up a minimum of 3 or 4 times a night still, and that's a good night.

Christian is also very dependent still. I know it sounds crazy that I notice things like this, but I can't help it. I have friends who have said to their 4 year old "Go put your pajamas on." I was taken by surprise and noticed this because that is certainly not something I am able to do with my boys, either of them. Neither of them can dress themselves without a lot of help, let alone open a draw and choose pajamas. Yes, we work on it. Christian is in therapy every week learning to dress himself. He's had goals of dressing himself for years now. It just takes him longer to do things. So, when someone is able to allow their four year old such independence that my six year old still doesn't have, I take notice. I am in no hurry to get to that point with my boys. I certainly don't want to rush their childhood, because I know one day will be the last time they need me to dress them, and I am not quite ready for that. But, it does beg the question: How much more capable would I be of handling another child if my children were more independent? The answer is "much."

So, the reality that I have to look at is, if I added another child to the mix, would Christian and Chandler continue to get the care they need? I don't mean that I'm wondering if I'll be able to keep them fed. I think I can handle that part. lol! But their emotional, social and cognitive/developmental needs.

Right now, there isn't enough time in the day to sit them in my lap and read all the stories they want me to read. There isn't enough time to get in the floor and play with them as much as they want. There isn't enough time to talk to them as much as they want or answer all their little questions about the world. Christian has 5 appointments every week right now between therapies and karate, and we are about to add violin lessons to the mix. Chandler is not far off from being at an age where he will want to do activities of his own as well.

Throw homeschooling in the mix, which is sort of forced on us (the other option is having a less than appropriate and adequate education, and that isn't happening), and I'm just not sure how much more I stretch 24 hours, or how much less sleep I can go on. I feel like I am barely keeping my head above water most days as it is, and I always end my day feeling like I didn't accomplish enough.

Finances is another big issue to consider. Because of Christian's needs, and because we have to home school, the best choice for our family has been for me to stay home with the boys. Knowing that Christian is being properly cared for (and Chandler, too) trumps any amount of money I could make. While I am so, so thankful that we are able to be a single income family, living paycheck to paycheck has it's drawbacks. Surprising, I know. lol! It's difficult for me, also, knowing that I have a law degree and that I can't really put it to much use right now. I would love to start a full time legal career right now, but the reality is, I want more to be with my boys and raise them. One day they will be grown, but my law degree will still be around. I can work until I die, but I only get a few years of being their mama while they are little. So, I am thankful that I am the one who gets to be with them all day, and I never get tired of them or feel like I just need to get away really. (Although I do feel like I wish they'd go to sleep before 10pm lol.) Even though it makes finances more of a challenge and it causes me to have to be creative in making it stretch, I don't mind. But it is a factor to consider, and really, a big one. Could our finances stretch even further to accommodate another child? I'm not sure they could.


I'm not ruling out the possibility of more kids completely, but as of right now, it's just not feasible. My plate is full, although so is my heart, and I don't want to drop that plate because I've piled too much on it. My boys are my life, my reason for living and breathing. The thought of adding another sweet baby to the mix to love and nurture makes my heart fill full, but then reality is always close behind reminding me that another child is just incomprehensible right now.

Maybe one day, or maybe not. But for now, I am thankful that God saw fit to give me the two boys I have. He knew
what he was doing when he chose Christian and Chandler for me. <3

Comments

  1. Hi Lacey
    I really understand as my first and only baby .. a beautiful daughter.. had a lot of medical needs early on.. I thought when she was born maybe 5 yrs I'd like another baby. But i never did because she needed me so much. I'm glad that i didnt as i could dedicate myself to her high needs. I would have felt torn between trying to give another child all the love and attention I'm giving my daughter. Many hospital emergencies surgeries appointments..times just at home when her health was too poor to go out. Sadly she passed away Aug 3rd to cancer which was a huge shocking dx. I miss her so much as she was my world for 34 yrs. I consider myself so lucky to have been blessed to be her momma and to take care of her. I too was scared to have another child as it broke my heart to see all she had to endure and being non verbal and so vulnerable. I'm glad i could give her all my time and attention. In so thankful for the angel i had down here who now is an angel in heaven. My heart is very heavy but she taught me so much. I have a real soft spot for children and adults with didabilities. May God be with my Angel now.. hugs Lacey.. I understand.. give it time my dear ss you raise those wonderful boys. If it presents itself i believe God will let you know.. much love from an older mom Dena xo

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  3. I get it too. Our two special/high needs boys are "it" for us. There isn't enough of me for more. You're a great mama!

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  4. You have great sensibilities and understand yourself and your children's needs. Feel confident in that and in knowing what is best for everyone. You will know when it is, or if it is, good time to expand your family. And if that happens, we will all be rejoicing with you! Your family has become a part of our lives. Your ability to speak what is in your heart is a gift that gives to us and enriches our lives. Thank you so much for sharing and for always keeping it real!

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  5. Lacey i must admit i really dont think i would have coped with a child with special need half as well as you have, i think your they type of people whom can handle whatever life throws at you, i admire you greatly, looking forward to baby number3, ps love your blogs xxxx wendy jones xx

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  21. RECONCILIATION LOVE POWERFUL SPELLS TO REPAIR BROKEN RELATIONSHIP

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  22. RECONCILIATION LOVE POWERFUL SPELLS TO REPAIR BROKEN RELATIONSHIP

    My husband who left me 1 year ago started calling me and wanted us to get back, Dr Murugu love spell made my husband to reconcile with me. When he came back he was all on me kissing and rubbing on me telling me how much he missed me and loves me, Dr Murugu is spectacular in repairing relationship! His work is wonderful, i am glad to let you all know that this spell caster have the power to bring lovers back. Because i am now happy with my husband. I highly recommending this service for those facing difficulties, trying to restore their relationship. he is the real deal. you can reach Dr Murugu his contact details seen below: dr.makinidrmurugu@gmail.com
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  23. RECONCILIATION LOVE POWERFUL SPELLS TO REPAIR BROKEN RELATIONSHIP

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  24. LOVE SPELLS TO GET YOUR SOUL MATE. Contact Dr. Murugu dr.makinidrmurugu@gmail.com

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    Hello Everyone, I'm from Switzerland, I want to say a big thanks to you Dr.Muguru for the revenge death spell you helped cast on Claudia who has been a big pain to my life, she takes away my happiness and everything, she took my husband from me. He even went to stay with her because her parents are rich and she has a house, am here to say big thanks to Dr. Muguru and to let the own world know about your good work, I will forever be grateful to you because without you my husband would've not come back to me, I advise anyone looking for an act of revenge or how to get rid off anyone to contact Dr. Muguru because he worked for me and the results are exactly as he promised. Once again thank you, Sir. his email dr.makinidrmurugu@gmail.com OR dr.makinidrmurugu@yahoo.com
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    Hello Everyone, I'm from Switzerland, I want to say a big thanks to you Dr.Muguru for the revenge death spell you helped cast on Claudia who has been a big pain to my life, she takes away my happiness and everything, she took my husband from me. He even went to stay with her because her parents are rich and she has a house, am here to say big thanks to Dr. Muguru and to let the own world know about your good work, I will forever be grateful to you because without you my husband would've not come back to me, I advise anyone looking for an act of revenge or how to get rid off anyone to contact Dr. Muguru because he worked for me and the results are exactly as he promised. Once again thank you, Sir. his email dr.makinidrmurugu@gmail.com OR dr.makinidrmurugu@yahoo.com
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  27. INSTANT DEATH SPELL CASTER contact solutiontemple27@gmail.com

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  28. GREAT MOTHER IS REAL. PLEASE BELIEVE HER. I am Lucy Jones and i want to share my testimony on how real Great Mother is and how she helped me to get  my ex husband back to me. when my husband left me, i thought it was all over until i saw testimonies of Great mother how she has helped so many people. I never believed but i gave it a try since i had no option. I contacted her and i told her everything. She told me what to do and to my Greatest surprise, my man came back to me in 3 days time just as Great Mother said. Thank you Great mother. Thank you very much. If you need help please contact the Great Mother now on her Email: Greatmotherofsolutiontemple1@gmail.com  and you can also reach her on her whatsapp no: +17025514367  you can also check her out on her website: Greatmotherofpowers.blogspot.com

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  29. GREAT MOTHER IS REAL. PLEASE BELIEVE HER. I am Lucy Jones and i want to share my testimony on how real Great Mother is and how she helped me to get  my ex husband back to me. when my husband left me, i thought it was all over until i saw testimonies of Great mother how she has helped so many people. I never believed but i gave it a try since i had no option. I contacted her and i told her everything. She told me what to do and to my Greatest surprise, my man came back to me in 3 days time just as Great Mother said. Thank you Great mother. Thank you very much. If you need help please contact the Great Mother now on her Email: Greatmotherofsolutiontemple1@gmail.com  and you can also reach her on her whatsapp no: +17025514367  you can also check her out on her website: Greatmotherofpowers.blogspot.com

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  30. I can’t believe that with just a contact to Dr. Todd, I got my ex husband back. I had read some stuff about Manifest Temple before i contacted him but i didn’t know that all those stuff were so accurate until i got my husband back, After getting my ex husband back i taught it wise to share my testimony with everyone on this website that how Dr. Todd was able to get my husband back with his powerful reunion love spell. That rebuild my broken marriage. All my hope has been fully restored and am happy to share my experience to everyone. Do feel free to Contact Dr. Todd via email if having any challenge with marriage or relationship at: (manifestspellcast@gmail.com https://manifestspellcast.wordpress.com) I so much believe he can also help out with his power.

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  31. Getting pregnant is not as difficult as we all think, I wasn't able to have my own baby for over the years I was married, I got so depressed because I saw myself crashing everyday. i visited different doctors just known what the problem is and i got a result that i was having ovarian cysts and i will not be able to have a child again, it really got to me and i met a friend of mine whom i talked to about my problems and she introduced me to DR ORIANE. 
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  34. My husband and I have been married for over 10 years. We met when I was 18 and he was 21. We’ve been through a lot emotionally together. There were several HUGE fights and painful situations in our marriage, but we always seemed to come out stronger on the other side. Out of the blue my husband just sprung the divorce talk on me, I was totally depressed until I found the Dr.Todd website online and I ordered a Love spell. You won’t believe my husband called me at the exact time this spell caster finished his spell work in 24hours. I was totally amazed! He is wonderful and his spells work so fast. His contact: manifestspellcast@gmail.com
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  35. A big thanks to Dr Oselumen i never believe that there still exist a real death spell caster after all this years of disappointment from the enormous spammers on the Internet who go about scamming people, until i was opportune to meet Dr Oselumen a real spell caster, through a close friend called Jennifer who Dr oselumen had helped before, when i contacted him with his email via droselumen@gmail.com i explain how my ex have been giving me problem in my marriage, she never allowed me a moment of peace, and i need to end it by killing her, and i don't want to make use of assassin because it will be risky so i needed to do it in a spiritual way that's why i decided to contact him, he assured me not to worry as i have contacted the right person at the right time, i co-operated with him and in less than a week my ex was dead, she slept and never woke up all thanks to Dr Oselumen indeed he's really a humble man. you can contact dr oselumen for any death spell, such as to kill your superior in the office and take his or her place, death spell to kill your father and inherit his wealth ,death spell to kill anyone who have scammed you in the past ,spell for increase in salaries, spell for promotion at the office, spell to get your ex lover back, if things is not working well in your life then you need to contact him now via Email droselumen@gmail.com call or add him on whatsapp +2348054265852.

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  37. How To Get Your Ex Lover/Partner/Boyfriend/Girlfriend/Wife Or Husband Back

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